camshy4u :: Recent Entries

Title:	Untitled
Date:	2010-12-28 @ 20:45
Security:	public

I held it all in so long, I have nothing left to say.

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Title:	I am sad
Date:	2010-09-11 @ 23:16
Security:	public

I miss the way we used to be. I miss the old smiles I had. I miss the way he said he loved me and he said I made him so happy. Now I don't make him happy. Now we don't smile. Now my hand hurts because im

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Title:	Tolerance
Date:	2010-08-10 @ 23:16
Security:	public

I tolerate way more than I should. People do not understand how much I have literally been through. I have been through divorced parents since I was two years old. Then, having to raise my little sister who is only 3 years younger than me. I had to learn how to be a tough ass so people wouldn't mess with me or her. But for some reason I am not a tough ass. Why do I keep giving people so many unearned chances? Next, I had to change schools. Where I was completely oblivious to anything going on in the world. Once we settle at some high-class-preppy-rich-kid school, I found out who people really were. I met Brandon Turner. I met Brandon Waters. I met Terry Halmrast. I met Paul Williams. I met Jacob Woods. All of the guys who grabbed my heart and threw it to the ground just because they could. & I JUST LET THEM DO IT! Why? Why did I let so many male beings treat me the same for so long? I just sat there and let them torment me. Physically, emotionally, what ever the case being. Then I tried to stand up for myself and they threw me down. They wouldn't take that! So I kept dishing out so many chances. To see if they would change. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Or maybe I was legitimately a coward. Am a coward. I am in the same degrading relationship as I was two years ago. I can't voice my opinion with him, I can't be happy anymore, I'm not myself, I just get mad. All we do is fight. I just want him to see what I do. I do so much for him. I give him every second I have. I don't hang out with my other friends, I call him, I buy him things, I tell him I love him, and I try so hard to stay happy so it doesn't affect him. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be happy but he doesn't make me happy anymore. Nothing does. I hung out with Paul today and that was the happiest I've felt in a long time! Because Paul listened to me. He tried to make me laugh. When I was sad, he took my words and evaluated them and then he gave me good, useful advice. I haven't felt so noticed in such a long time. I missed Paul. I'm so glad me and him are best friends again. I don't think I could make it through another day of this stress without such a good friend. I just wish I could say that Jacob made me feel like he listened. He says he listens, but I don't feel it. It hurts feeling ignored. I don't want another relationship that changes me into a bitter, evil, bitch. I want him to still look at me as beautiful and smart and nice. But he doesn't. I don't know what I can do to fix that. I have to fix myself for me though. I can't just let him walk all over me because then I will let it become a habit.

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Title:	I want more time for me.
Date:	2010-08-03 @ 00:31
Security:	public
Mood:	confused

I have so much to say. I will start with what I've been bothered by most: I need more time to do the things I want to do. I got this new notebook/journal a couple weeks ago at Barnes & Noble. It's so precious and it has many blank pages that are BEGGING me to write on them. Everyday I sit down on the couch and I watch some tv. While I'm watching tv, I'm hardly paying attention. I get lost in my head and just begin to think. I start with "What can I be doing that is more productive? Well, I could write in that new notebook...YES! I will write in that once I have settled for the night. When it is late and everyone is sleeping!" I promise myself daily that I will write in that precious, precious little book of mine. Once it becomes night and everyone has gone to bed, I think "Alright, now it's my time to write. Ashlee, you have so much to write." I go in my room, I grab my book and my clicky pen and I sit on my bed. I will open the book- look at how much I have already written- and read it. Once I'm finished re-reading my previous scribbles, I close the book! I lose my thoughts, my heart. It's like my words just fade. It's like my motivation to write just goes away! & I really have so much in my head! But once I open the book and get to the blank page where I should be writing, I get tired. I think it's my mind and my body lying to me. I spend all my day trying to convince myself that I'm more creative at night time & once it's night time I have NOTHING to pour out of my brain. I go to work- where I'm basically alone doing endless cycles of labor. I come home- where I'm ignored- & send hundreds of text messages. So why can't I write my heart out like I want to? It's extremely frustrating! It just makes me feel so useless and empty, but full of crap. I just zone out. It's hard. But I have no issues coming here and typing. It's not the same! Something is wrong with me. I am seeing things. I almost got in a wreck on the way home tonight because I swear there was a man in the road!!!! But when I slammed on he breaks to save him, goodness, nothing was there. It's probably because I've been losing sleep. I guess you could call me a zombie. I wish I wasn't so good at hiding how I feel because I want someone to break through! I want someone to know how to fix me. I don't want to tell them because it's not the same. I want to be fixed. But I don't even know what would help me. It's stressful. I have my baby and he is doing everything he can for me and I try so hard to let him know I love him to death! Because I know he wants me to be happy. I know he loves me to death too. I want to be happy because that makes him happy. I need to find this patch to fix me so I can be myself again. I just need to know what it is. I'm sorry I can't find you. It's terrifying being here.

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Title:	Skin & bones
Date:	2010-06-13 @ 19:37
Security:	public

I am so tired and awake. I Can't write. I can't sleep. I can't do much but think and it's ripping me apart.

I am just skin and bones. Why does anyone want me? I feel so alone still and depressed.
Why did they all tell me they would stay forever and then leave? Is everyone going to do this?

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Title:	Look into my eyes
Date:	2010-06-04 @ 22:35
Security:	public
Mood:	indescribable

I hate doing anything for anyone other than myself. I have tried so hard to make people happy. I threw that stupid pool party today and I wanted to drown myself in the pool! Everyone I know is so selfish and conceited. They are so inconsiderate. I would rather sit alone in a cold dark room than associate with those kind of people. I FEEL ALONE! Why do I feel alone!!

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to feel so depressed and angry? And why can't anyone understand me? Why is he leaving me! Why don't I have God!

How do I get better? I hate myself. I wish I could show I cared. I wish Jacob saw it. I wish I was better. Again, I just can't do this.

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Title:	How I want it to be.
Date:	2010-06-03 @ 12:01
Security:	public
Location:	My big leather chair
Music:	California Girls- Katy Perry
Mood:	bitchy

It's so frustrating being in a relationship like mine and Jacob's. I feel like any time we are around the band or around our friends he changes. He acts like I'm just a friend. It's not that big of a deal but it just bugs me. And I've tried talking to him about it but he can never take what I say as advice to help the relationship. He takes it as me just breaking him down. That's really not what I'm trying to do at all. I just want to feel like I'm loved even when he is by Nick and Kevin.

Sometimes I even feel like he would leave me if he had to choose between me and Nick- even though he said he isn't good friends with Nick anymore. I want him to have friends and hang out with people other than me but, not if it makes him change like that. For instance, he is hanging out with Kevin as we speak. I guess Kevin spent the night. I tried to say goodnight to him three times and he didn't text me back until an hour after, while I was already sleeping. Texting me back REALLY quick to say goodnight is harmless. It's not as if I'm clingy or obsessed. I just wish his actions would match up with what he says he feels. I'm tired of hearing I'm his number one and then being treated as though I'm not on the priority list. It's fine if I'm not. I just don't want to be lied to. If that makes any sense.

& I don't have any friends that I just have sleep overs with. I don't have any friends that I dedicate an entire night of no texting to. I truly believe that our outlooks on our relationship are completely different. He says he tries really hard to make me happy but I've been searching to see how. Don't get me wrong, he DOES make me happy- without trying. But I don't see how he tries. I try to make him happy all the time. I call him, I text him saying all the things I love about him, I put him before everything and I let it be known, I sacrificed a ton for him. I just don't feel like I get credit. And when I tell him this, he gets really sad. So I feel like I should just hold it in. I Don't know how I can handle it in a way that won't upset him. Any time we fight, it's my fault because I bring up the things I have issues with. Then he gets really hurt and defensive and then makes me feel guilty and hurt. I just don't know what to do :(

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Title:	My sunshine
Date:	2010-02-13 @ 19:17
Security:	public

Look at where we are. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. You caused that for me. Since the day we became close I couldn't stop smiling every time I think of you. November 14, 2009. It was better than our first kiss. Better than anything. Without that day we wouldn't be here. But it's all going to fade soon. Look at what happened to them. Everthing they are today is because I had a negative impact on their lives. Now one of them wants to die. It's all my fault. I know I have changed since then. The world hasn't figured it out. I don't want to ever cause you that pain he felt because of me. I wish it never happened. I wish I could be everything you want and need. I wish I was the best for you. I wish you knew what you got yourself into. I WISH I WAS WHAT I ACTED TO BE. It's painful. I can't be everything you think I am. I can't do it. I can't do everything my dad wants. Everything Paul wants. Everything you want. I can't be that role model Stephanie NEEDS so badly in her life right now. I can't be these things. I have been drowning. I have been drowning in my issues that I have been burying. I forget who I am. I forgot who I want to be. I can't even see why you make me as happy as I am. I can't see anything. I can't feel anything. I feel these emotions I create. I create emotions because I think too much when I'm alone. My heart is pounding in a way only I can hear. To everyone else it's dead.

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Title:	I'm lost in the jungle
Topics:	i am so confused life is depressing
Date:	2009-05-30 @ 15:04
Security:	public
Mood:	cranky

Help me.

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Title:	Learn to back the "duck" off.
Date:	2009-04-15 @ 17:53
Security:	public

Well, well, well. You sure have aced making me a monster. There was no trouble, no worries in that aspect of your priorities. Now that everything is dandy, and you have a smile on your face, I think it is time to tell you how I truly feel about you. So plug your ears, and have a tissue ready because I plan to rip you a new "glasshole".

Ever since the day I looked into your stupid eyes I knew something was going to turn wrong. I was so right and you have no idea. I have never said this to anyone in my life and meant the way that I do now. I HATE YOU. I never knew it was possibly for me to be this angry with someone. You look at me like I'm so forgiving and loving. I can't ever look at you the same way. I hate you for all that you have done, and more. You can't open your stupid eyes to see how bad of a person and how fake you have become. I have to live with you and see you ever single "spam" day of my life. I'm so fed up with having to see you act so perfect and steal all my dignity away from me. This time I can't forgive anyone. Because everytime I do, the punctures just keep getting more and more serious. Don't look at me, don't talk about, don't ever think about me. I'm not yours to talk about, or think about, I never was. I can't say I was ever your friend, your best friend, or anything. I have become something I promised the myself I wouldn't. Now that I see the strength of your power to turn me to the villain, I have lost all my dignity, self respect, because of what your hate has turned me into. Now all I can think about is some easy way to quit being around. I want to disappear. I am so sick of having to relive my memories every "chucking" day, then have to figure out some new way for it to end. I'm done taking the blame and hiding my true feelings in spite of you. I have done everything wrong, but at least I have the balls to admit it. You, you can't even face up to your problems, so until you do, learn to leave me alone, stay out of my dreams, stay out of my life, stay away from my heart, stay away from my memories, erase me from your mind, shut the hell up, never look at me again, grow a package, and quit squeezing my heart. Take away everyone who likes you too, because all of them are disrespectful to me, they never consider my heart. Take every single one of them. I don't need anyone, I don't need some retarded bystander to ask me what's wrong anymore, because I'm sick of lying to people. I'm sick of telling people I'm fine, so take every single one of the people you talk to, every last one. And when you guys leave, stay gone. Forever. Because that is what has been said to me. Forever. I'm not okay, I'm not happy, I haven't been happy for months, I haven't been real for months, I haven't felt, for months. I haven't written a song for months. I am a monster. I am angry, with the world, I blame myself, I blame you, I blame everyone, for being too blind. I can't be still, because I know once I stop moving, I will never move again. This time I have taken all that has been able to hold up inside me. This time, I'm not going to paint on a smile and pretend I'm fine. I won't talk to you, I won't talk to him, her, them, it. You haven't been there for me, you think you have? Think again, you think you have done everything to stop me, you think I'm fine? Well, then, you must think you are pretty great. justt stop leaveaa mrk ;fvk

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